Hey Self, Will You Be My Valentine?
Any holiday could be chock-full of joy or more of the harder moments. As we approach Valentine’s Day, whether we find ourselves single, partnered, casually dating, or around our friends and family, I wanted to offer you some skills to make your V-Day a bit more secure and stabilized for you. We each can choose self-love and acceptance, whether we are in a romantic relationship or not. Integrating EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) principles, particularly those associated with the stabilization phase (before Eye Movement Desensitization), can offer a unique perspective on building a secure foundation for Valentine’s Day. Let’s explore how these EMDR-focused concepts— ‘Secure Your Space,’ ‘Container,’ and ‘Peaceful Place’—can enhance your day come February 14th.
1. Secure Your Space: Creating a Safe Environment for Communication
In EMDR therapy, creating a secure space is crucial for emotional processing. We can create this space in solitude, in public on our own, or even within the confines of a loving relationship. Couples can utilize the concept of “Secure Your Space” by consciously ensuring that their communication environment is free from external distractions and potential stressors. Also, if you find yourself with family and friends or spending time in solitude, you can incorporate this mindset that looks out for the most secure environment on this special day. You can simply ask yourself or your partner, “What would make you feel more secure?” and explore what that could look like. This involves setting aside dedicated time for open and honest dialogue, allowing both partners to express their feelings without interruptions.
Implementing the “Secure Your Space” principle on Valentine’s Day involves choosing a comfortable and quiet setting for any heart-to-heart conversations. By doing so, couples create a container for emotions, fostering an atmosphere where both partners feel heard and understood.
Other ways to secure your space:
- Deep Breathing: take time to do some deep breathing. Sometimes, breathing in for 4 seconds, holding for 4 seconds, breathing out for 4 seconds, and then holding for another 4 seconds before your next breath can be a way to bring our nervous system to a more relaxed state. You can visualize a box and breathe up and down each side, or even find an item in your environment to lock in on and breathe around.
- Identify the five senses: Identify and name to yourself, or to those you are around, the 3-4 items that you see that are standing out to you or bring a sense of comfort. Take time to realize the sounds that you hear in your space. Take some essential oil or lotion, rub it into your hands, and notice the smell/scent. Identify any tastes you can notice, or even eat a yummy treat (savory or sweet!). And last but not least, notice 3-4 things that you can feel/touch that bring a sense of grounding.
- Grounding: Notice your feet on the ground and move them in your socks and shoes or bare feet into the carpet. You fill and take up room in the space you find yourself in.
2. Container: Managing Emotions Through Visualization
The ‘Container’ concept in EMDR involves visualizing a mental container to temporarily store overwhelming emotions. In the context of a relationship, this translates into managing emotions effectively to prevent unnecessary conflicts. On Valentine’s Day, emotions may run high, and having a ‘Container’ visualization technique can be beneficial.
Couples can practice this skill by imagining a container in their minds where they can place intense emotions temporarily. This visualization allows partners to regulate their emotions, take breaks if needed, and approach discussions with a clear and composed mindset. The ‘Container’ technique contributes to a sense of emotional stability, preventing the overflow of intense feelings during Valentine’s Day celebrations.
For my singles, this can also be effective in placing any feelings of grief, disappointment, or anything that you are noticing that feels difficult to focus on in the moment. You can healthily compartmentalize with the container exercise and open it when you are ready, with a trusted loved one/friend, or even with a therapist. Our team at Heartland Therapy Connection in Brookside, Kansas City, would be honored to meet with you and help explore how to create a container that feels curated to you and to process anything you place there.
3. Peaceful Place: Finding Comfort and Connection
The ‘Peaceful Place’ concept in EMDR involves identifying a mental sanctuary where one feels safe and serene. In relationships, having a shared ‘Peaceful Place’ can be a powerful tool for connection. On Valentine’s Day, couples or singles can intentionally create a mental space where they feel secure and loved.
Therapists often guide couples to jointly visualize a ‘Peaceful Place,’ a mental refuge they can access when emotions become overwhelming. This visualization becomes a source of comfort and a reminder of the love and connection between partners. This can be a practice to healthily dissociate for a moment and bring a sense of peace and calm. Taking a moment to connect with this ‘Peaceful Place’ during Valentine’s Day celebrations can enhance the overall sense of security and care.
4. Emphasizing Empathy and Understanding in EMDR Style: Bridging Perspectives through Bilateral Stimulation
In the EMDR therapeutic approach, bilateral stimulation is a key component. Bilateral stimulation sends soothing neurotransmitters from your upstairs brain (prefrontal cortex) to your downstairs brain (limbic system, amygdala, etc.). This process can help problem-solve and build resiliency. Couples can adapt this concept to enhance empathy and understanding in their relationship. During Valentine’s Day conversations, partners can engage in bilateral activities such as holding hands or maintaining eye contact. This physical connection fosters a sense of shared experience and mutual understanding.
Bilateral stimulation does not need to be practiced along with someone else, but it can be helpful. If you find yourself not feeling your best, going for a walk, run, or any joyful movement can bring a soothing sensation. There is also the Butterfly Hug (placing your left hand on the right side of your chest and your right hand on the left side of your chest) and doing slow tapping, 2-4 times, no more, to regulate your nervous system while thinking of anything that feels good to you. You can also tap your toes to the floor from left to right slowly or even pat your left knee and right knee.
In summary, integrating EMDR-focused principles into relationship skills or for self-regulation can offer a unique and effective approach to building a secure foundation for Valentine’s Day. By incorporating concepts such as ‘Secure Your Space,’ ‘Container,’ and ‘Peaceful Place,’ couples and singles can regulate and experience a relaxed nervous system, manage emotions effectively, and create a sense of safety and connection during special occasions. These EMDR-inspired techniques provide valuable tools for navigating the complexities of relationships, ensuring a secure and fulfilling experience on Valentine’s Day and beyond.
